SD7 You have every right to be angry you were deceived as we all were But your directing that anger at yourself I can't blame myself for being conned and I doubt that anyone here does. We lay the blame where it belongs with the GB and vent accordingly
I also felt suicidal my sense of security was gone what I had based my whole live on was a lie and I realized I could lose everything that was dear to me. Sure I contemplated suicide but it passed and it will for you.
Now about the wife her sense of security is threatened she is shit scared be there for her. Don't do anything that threatens it play the Elders game The Org conned you you can con them. Like brothers I wish I had your faith in the FDS let them relate their bullshit reasons and then say Well I never thought about it that way. Get the picture? Premarital sex? you confessed to Jehovah and you believed he had forgiven you If they believe your just weak and don't challenge them they won't give you the boot. They call it theocratic warfare ( don't tell the truth when its not to your advantage) It can be a lot of fun outsmarting them.
I wore a full beard for years no tie and often stood out the back of the hall during the meetings. When challenged I said your fortunate that shaving doesn't give you a terrible rash.... No tie Asthma feel like I'm choking..... Standing at the back Ever had piles Brother. One helpful Elder came up during the meeting stood beside me and said one word "Vaseline " Vaseline I replied "Yes for you know" he said "What" says I "Piles" he whispered SD7 They can be quite amusing at times a bit of fun.